Republicans Agree to Universal Health Care
In a surprising turn of events, the Republican Party announced that it actually favors universal health insurance coverage.
“What were we thinking?” wondered Michael Enzi (R, Wyoming), the ranking minority member of the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions. “The Republican Party has always preached the importance of personal responsibility.”
It turns out that the disagreement whether or not to force all Americans to buy insurance stemmed from a simple misunderstanding. When it was explained to Committee member Pat Roberts (R, Kansas) that “mandates” referred to compulsory health insurance for all Americans, and not a homo-erotic encounters between two men, he slapped his forehead and said, “Boy, am I embarrassed.”
“That’s what you thought?” Committee Chairman Ted Kennedy (D, Massachusetts) asked. “I always wondered why you objected every time this issue came to the floor.”
This breakthrough moment was brokered by Senator Kennedy who began reading Republican pollster Frank Luntz’ primer It’s Not What You Say, It’s What People Hear that someone had left in the executive washroom of the Dirksen Office Building. “Normally, I wouldn’t have touched that book, but it was a rough morning and I needed something to pass the time.”
The agreement paves the way for the passage of a comprehensive health reform package. President Bush, however, has yet to agree to sign such a bill if it reaches his desk. “I still have doubts about universal coverage,” he said. “Why should America provide insurance to someone who doesn’t even live on this planet?”
