For the minority of Americans who actually pay attention, the 2008 presidential election campaign seems to be the longest in history. Jokes are made about how John Edwards practically lived in Iowa for the past four years, and Mitt Romney being the New Hampshire houseguest who wouldn’t leave. If potential voters aren’t burned out yet, [...]
Archive for March, 2008
Cheney to America: F— You!
March 24, 2008Americans are in an uproar about the now-infamous homiletics of Reverend Jeremiah Wright. But is preaching “God damn America!” any worse than Dick Cheney telling America to “Go f—itself”?
OK, so he didn’t exactly use that those words (at least not this time) but his meaning was crystal clear. When challenged by ABC’s Martha Raddatz that [...]
Temp Receives Presidential Medal of Freedom
March 21, 2008Kyle Frumpp, a contract worker who has been filling in as an administrative assistant at the State Department, today received the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Frumpp was an unexpected choice for this honor since it was he who was responsible for illegally breaching the passport files of presidential contenders John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. [...]
This Day in Campaign History: March 16, 1792
March 16, 2008President George Washington’s reelection campaign heated up today as John Adams claimed that Washington is not a real war hero. The story of General Washington bravely leading his troops across the Delaware River on a frigid Christmas night in 1776 to attack a Hessian garrison, Adams alleges, is a pure fabrication. “If he was in [...]
New Feel for Familiar Fiver
March 14, 2008The Federal Reserve today released the newly redesigned five-dollar bill. The new bill includes several features that will reduce the risk of counterfeiting. The new design incorporates a series of watermarks that are visible from both sides of the bill and a security thread that glows under ultraviolet light. A bigger “5” in the corner [...]
High-Level Al-Qaeda Figure Found
March 12, 2008 Adm. Fallon, presumably praying to the East.
Admiral William J. Fallon, U.S. Commander of Central Command, stepped down today after it was revealed that he is a highly placed Al-Qaeda operative. Admiral Fallon had been the leader of all U.S. forces in the Middle East.
“I had no idea he was Al-Qaeda,” President Bush told reporters in an [...]
Spitzer Wants to Kiss And Make Up
March 10, 2008In an act of remorse, Governor Elliot Spitzer promised to buy a diamond ring for every resident in the New York state. Spitzer is embroiled in scandal after the revelation that he had participated in a high-priced prostitution ring. “I will do everything I can to win back the affection of New York voters.”
Once a [...]
Countrywide Chairman Dies in Freak Accident
March 8, 2008Angelo Mozilo, Chairman of Countrywide, died in a freak skydiving accident today when his parachute failed to open. Mr. Molizo, who is expected to step down from his post once the takeover of his company by Bank of America is complete, decided to take up the risky hobby to celebrate his pending freedom from his [...]
Republicans Agree to Universal Health Care
March 4, 2008In a surprising turn of events, the Republican Party announced that it actually favors universal health insurance coverage.
“What were we thinking?” wondered Michael Enzi (R, Wyoming), the ranking minority member of the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions. “The Republican Party has always preached the importance of personal responsibility.”
It turns out that the [...]
