Stuck On You

Republican presidential nominee John McCain underwent surgery today at the University of Arizona Medical Center to remove a 192-pound growth from his hip. Senator Russ Feingold (D, Wisconsin) and Senator McCain have been attached to one another since the passage of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform bill in 2002.
The operation was performed by a [...]

President Bush Aces News Conference

In what some are calling the high point of his presidency, George W. Bush today for the first time correctly pronounced the word “nuclear.” In a news conference with reporters in the White House Rose Garden, the President declared that Iran would never have “nuclear weapons,” pronouncing the word as “new-clear” rather than his customary [...]

Clinton Campaign Will Jump a Shark

Senator Clinton with advisors.

In what some are calling an act of desperation, Hillary Clinton announced that she will jump a motorcycle over a pool of hungry sharks. Senator Clinton has seen her once commanding lead in public opinion polls whither in recent weeks as her opponent Barack Obama captured state primaries and caucuses from Maine [...]

Rivals Clash at Campaign Rally

Toledo, Ohio —  A melee broke out in this Midwestern city as supporters of Republican Presidential candidate John McCain clashed with followers of Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama. Emotions are running high in this blue collar city in the days leading up to the crucial Ohio state primary on March 4.
It all started when a [...]

California Deficit Reduced to Ashes

Sacramento, CA–Working late into the night, the California legislature reached a historic budget compromise that will enable the state to erase its $14.5 billion budget deficit.  The State Senate and Assembly budget committees agreed to raise the tax on cigarettes in California to $30,000 a pack.
Assuming that each of the State’s  4 million smokers [...]

Congress Votes to Replace Itself with Rubber Stamp

Washington, D.C. –The U.S. Congress voted today to replace its 435 elected representatives with a giant rubber stamp. The stamp will measure 40 feet tall on a sixty foot base that will stretch across the aisle of the Congressional hall. The bill, dubbed “The Stamp Out Dissension and Freedom Restoration Act,” was sponsored by Ohio [...]

Governor Schwarzenegger Announces New Health Care Plan

Sacramento, CA – California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, stung by the failure of his health care reform plan to pass the State Legislature, has announced a new proposal for improving the health of state residents. The Governor’s proposal calls for giving a treadmill to every man, woman and child in the state. “If we can’t give [...]

Putin-Cheney ‘08

In a stunning result, Vladimir Putin won the Virginia Republican presidential primary today, garnering 52% of the vote. Even more remarkable was the fact that Putin wasn’t even on the ballot and exit polls didn’t identify a single voter who admitted selecting the retiring Russian president. Charlotte Timlinson, Chair of the Virginia Commonwealth’s Election Commission, [...]

Sixty is the New Forty, Hillary Declares

In an effort to shore up her support from younger voters, Hillary Clinton today declared that the age of 60 is the new 40. Exit polls have shown that young voters have been supporting Barack Obama, Senator Clinton’s competitor for the Democratic presidential nomination, in overwhelming numbers. Clinton, who turned 60 last October, believes that [...]

Waterboarding New Olympic Sport

Beijing, China — The Chinese government, stung by international criticism for alleged human rights abuses as they prepare to host the 2008 Olympic Games, today reversed course. The Chinese government will not only admit to past abuses, but they have also petitioned the International Olympic Committee to make waterboarding a demonstration sport at the 2008 [...]