Going Commando

Given the unprecedented anticipation for former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s memoir, Going Rogue, Harper, the book’s publisher, has announced that it has signed Ms. Palin to produce a second book, Going Commando.

The new book is expected to contain revelations regarding Ms. Palin’s penchant for not wearing undergarments. With temperatures that dip below minus fifty Fahrenheit during Alaska’s frigid winter months, Ms. Palin’s revealing habit demonstrates her fortitude, a Palin spokesperson said.

Seeking to embarrass the former Governor, critics were quick to release a photo of the panty-less Palin leaning out the side of a helicopter on one of her wolf hunting excursions. The photo was quickly pulled from website of the celebrity gossip monger, TMZ, after receiving complaints about the photo’s caption, “Bush Pilot.”

The Public—Ho-Hum—Option

From the people who brought you SCHIP, now comes the “public option”!

The Democrats have wonked up again.

The lack of affordable and accessible health care is literally a matter of life and death, and this debate is about the public option. It’s no wonder they are losing the battle for the cold hearts and feeble minds of the American people.

Death Panel! Now, there’s something you can remember.

Going back to SCHIP, although the legislation passed, wouldn’t it have been a much easier sell if it had been called the Healthy Children Act of 2009? What legislator on either side would have wanted to go home as the person who voted against healthy babies?

Why not call the health care reform the Healthy Choices for America Act.

Or, how about this one: Medicare for All!

That’s something I can get behind.

For now, I have one message for the Democratic leadership: Wonk you!

Hello, Purple Nation

This blogger has been occupied for the past 18 months but it looks like I’ll soon be getting out because of good behavior–I mean, graduation. Please check back for more wacky takes on current events. Of course, how can I satire the likes of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck? The GOP itself is a joke. Unfortunately, that means seltzer down the pants of every American.

Trick or Treat?

In a CNN poll of third graders, Senator John McCain was voted the least popular house on Halloween. By a nearly two-to-one margin, Barack Obama’s suburban Chicago home was the one nine-year-olds would most prefer to visit on the October 31 holiday.

The poll asked a cross-section of third graders from communities across the country which candidate’s house they would prefer to stop at on Halloween. 62% of respondents selected the home of Barack and Michelle Obama while only 33% chose the McCain house. The poll did not specify which McCain house.

Traci Southfield, a student at Millard Fillmore Elementary School in Chicago, said that last year she left the Obama doorstep with her bags filled with “goodies.” “They had full-size Snickers bars,” Ms. Southfield said.

Senator Obama justified his generous candy allotment by saying, “My health care plan will address the growing childhood obesity epidemic.”

Senator McCain dismissed the poll results, saying, “It’s just like that one to promise all these goodies. I’ve spent my career fighting against goodies. In my day, we had penny candy. Today they have 100 Grand bars. The next thing you know, they’ll want billions for planetariums, senior housing and Bridges to Nowhere.”

The one exception to the McCain stinginess was the enterprising Sedona, Arizona, child who last year chose to visit the McCain compound wearing a navy blue suite and Ronald Reagan mask. He walked away with his plastic pumpkin filled with millions of dollars in tax cuts.

John McCain Searches for Lost Integrity

Republican presidential contender John McCain is criss-crossing the country searching for his missing integrity. It is believed that McCain misplaced his integrity during his unsuccessful 2000 bid for the GOP presidential nomination. He is retracing his steps of that abortive campaign hoping to reignite his support from independent voters.

Stopping at a Red Roof Inn outside Toledo, Ohio, McCain searched the room he had briefly occupied prior to the Ohio primary. “I know I had it here,” Mc Cain told his aides. “I remember talking at a Town Hall meeting in favor of campaign finance reform and against tax cuts for the wealthy. It has to be here somewhere.”

He sought to speak with the members of the cleaning crew, but it turned out that the maid staff had been deported years before. “They might still be here if only we had some sort of guest worker program…” McCain began, his backbone stiffening. “Hey, I might be onto something…” he continued, only to be nudged in the ribs by his running mate, Governor Sarah Palin. “No, wait, we should round up all the illegals and send them back. It’s the American Way.”

The search was not entirely, fruitless, however, when McCain found a rumpled dollar bill under the dresser. “That’ll buy me a gallon of gasoline,” the out-of-touch candidate said.

(Editor’s note: Purple Nation supported McCain in the 2000 presidential primary. Although he leans too far to the right on many major issues, it was our belief that he would do the right thing for the American people. It saddens us to see that he has become a shell of the man he once was. His campaign is a disgrace and he has disgraced America. –Purple Nation.)

Not-Ready-for-Prime-Time Palin

Fairbanks, AK–In an interview with ABC News anchor Charles Gibson, actress/comedian Tina Fey removed her designer glasses to reveal that for weeks she has been playing the part of Sarah Palin, a fictional Governor of Alaska. Fey revealed that she they had been filming her guest appearance for this week’s season premiere of Saturday Night Live. She was surprised that the ruse had been undetected for so long.

 

 “I can’t believe that no one figured it out,” Fey said. “I mean, come on. When I said that I had foreign policy experience since Alaska is next to Russia? And for fun I shoot caribou from helicopters? The more stuff I made up, the more people believed it!”

 

Republican presidential nominee John McCain, known for his sense of humor, had gone along with the gag, hoping that an appearance on SNL would help him attract younger voters. The joke was only supposed to last a few days, but when McCain saw the buzz that Palin/Fey had generated, he kept the secret under wraps. “I’ll go along with anything if it will put me in the Oval Office,” McCain said.

 

During the ABC interview, McCain was off-camera trying to squelch a laugh. “When she said she wanted to invade Russia, I almost lost it,” the candidate said.

  

Senator McCain then broke the real reason for his visit to Alaska—to reveal his real choice for vice president, Alaska Senator Ted Stephens. Stephens, 84, is expected to make the 72-year old McCain spry by comparison. Asked if he was concerned that Stephens is currently under indictment, McCain said, “My friends, who is better to change the corrupt culture of Washington than someone who knows that corruption inside and out.”

Palin Promises to Fill America’s Potholes

Duluth, WI–Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has vowed to demonstrate her vast executive experience with a promise to fill America’s potholes. “I’m tired of people questioning my qualifications. Let me show you the kind of leadership that Alaskan residents have come to know,” Palin said.

The Department of Transportation estimates that U.S. roads are riddled with more than 350 million potholes, or one for every man, woman and child in America. The logistics of filling every one will be a complex logistical task of monumental proportions, but Palin is up to the challenge.

“The American people want change!” the candidate exclaimed during a campaign stop in Duluth, Wisconsin. “Together, we can ease the rides of all Americans.”

When told of his running mate’s plans, Senator John McCain said, “That’s the kind of fresh idea the American people are going to get from the McCain-Palin ticket.”

Asked how she would pay for this initiative, Palin sneered, “All we need to do is eliminate pork barrel projects from the federal budget.” When a reporter pointed out that because of its harsh winters, Alaska stood to gain the greatest portion of federal road-building dollars, Palin reacted with fierce venom. “That’s exactly what I’d expect from the liberal media.” Later, a Palin aide made a call to the publisher of Duluth Register asking to have the reporter fired.

In a related story, Kellogg, Brown and Root has announced the formation of an asphalt and paving division.

RNC Crowd Electrified by Pending Virgin Birth

Palin Family Values

St. Paul, MN—Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin stirred the partisan crowd at the Republican Convention last night with news that her daughter’s pregnancy was the product of Immaculate Conception. Palin, standing on stage flanked by her children, sons Track, Truck and baby Trig, and daughters Tricks, Tramp and Trollop, enjoyed a standing ovation from the inspired assemblage.

“There’s no other explanation,” the Alaska Governor explained to reporters. “When I was on the Wasilla PTA, I made sure that abstinence-only education was included in the curriculum. When I asked Trollop if she’d ever had s-e-x, she said no.”

Asked to verify Trollop’s claim, boyfriend Levi Johnston said, “Uh, yeah, she told me she was a virgin. All three times.”

Elderly and crippled pilgrims have begun to descend on Wasilla, Alaska to bask in the presence of God’s mysterious hand. A crowd has gathered around Levi Johnston’s 1995 Nissan Altima where the conception was said to take place.

Fox News Commentator Steve Douchy, “I guess it shows you whose side God is on. Just let the liberal media try to spin this.”

John McCain Wins Senior Open

Kennebunkport, ME – Proving that at age 71 he has the stamina to serve as President, Senator John McCain yesterday beat former President George H.W. Bush on the golf course by six strokes. “Take that, old man,” McCain exclaimed as he sank a putt for par on the final hole.

 

The 83-year-old former President was obviously perturbed by the Senator’s attitude. “Not gonna take that from you, young fella.”

 

President George W. Bush, who has sworn off golf out of respect for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, spent the day sitting in a sand trap, contentedly fashioning an Arabian palace out of sand.

 

“Come in for lunch,” Barbara Bush called from the clubhouse of the Bush family’s private course.

 

“I don’t want to,” the President whined.

 

“Georgie, be a man,” Bush 41 firmly retorted.

 

With a huff, the President stamped out his own creation, saying, “I’ll show you how to rock the Casbah!”

 

Meanwhile, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama completed a fact-finding through the Middle East, meeting with U.S. military officials and political leaders from Iraq and Israel.

 

Senator McCain was not impressed with his opponent’s international photo opportunity. In a news conference with reporters from the Kennebunkport Post and the New Gloucester Independent, the candidate said, “Fact finding mission? I’m a Republican; I don’t need facts to know I’m right.”

Running On Empty

For the minority of Americans who actually pay attention, the 2008 presidential election campaign seems to be the longest in history. Jokes are made about how John Edwards practically lived in Iowa for the past four years, and Mitt Romney being the New Hampshire houseguest who wouldn’t leave.  If potential voters aren’t burned out yet, they will be by the time the battle for the Democratic nomination is decided—most likely in August.  

But the race for the 2008 nominations didn’t begin with the Iowa Caucus in January or in 2007 when Obama, Clinton, McCain, Romney, Edwards, Giuliani (remember him?) and all the rest declared their intentions to run. These interminable last few months are only the homestretch in an epic campaign that began in 1992. 

The Clinton operation is designed for one thing and it isn’t governing: it’s campaigning. It should be remembered, however, that the “Comeback Kid” overcame his first broadly publicized affair to win the keys to the White House because of an assist from Ross Perot.  

Once inaugurated, the Clinton Administration never stopped campaigning. They were quick to abandon the party platform for political expediency, all for the hope of attracting enough uncommitted centrist voters to ensure their reelection. There were no principles, only polls. 

The last days of the Clinton Administration were aimed at polishing Hillary’s bonifides, enabling her to carpetbag her way into the U.S. Senate. Most admit she has been an able Senator but the perception is that every decision she has made has been with one finger to the wind. 

The Clinton Administration was only a prelude to the constant campaign of Karl Rove. After Bush’s appointment in 2000, Rove enacted a scorched earth policy aimed at the 0.1% of voters needed to keep them in power. A flawed No Child Left Behind act was meant to perpetuate the compassionate conservatism myth and the Medicare prescription drug benefit was the ultimate pander to reliable senior voters. Their with us or against us mentality kept the wavering middle leaning ever so slightly to the Right. The massive tax cuts needed to pay for the Bush Administration’s disastrous and deadly policies will be up to a pragmatic future Democratic Chief Executive, enabling Rightwingers to say, “There they go again.”  

I don’t know if Barack Obama has all the answers. But I do know that the issues that confront our country cannot be solved by 50.1% of the voting public. The war on Iraq, the threat from radical Islam, the pending bankruptcy of Medicare and Social Security, the degradation of our environment and the shredding of the social safety-net are among the major problems that must be addressed. The person we elect must be smart, fair-minded, tough when needed and pragmatic. We must rebuild alliances with countries that were once our friends and heal the lacerations between ourselves and our neighbors that power-mad political leaders have allowed to fester.  

We need a fresh start.  

Purple America officially endorses Barack Obama for President of the United States.  

Let the campaigning end…and the governing begin.